Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*