Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Strangers have the best candy.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.