Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
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If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
WTF IS THAT!
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Childbirth is so beautiful
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery