me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

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So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.


I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.


Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.


Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie


Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]


In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.


Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.


Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant


My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*