@GrantTanaka

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

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@noog

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

@Bryainiac

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

@aprilinkc

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

@PanicRestroom

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

@tuckerflodman

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

@jakery

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

@HaliPhacks

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

@junejuly12

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

@DustinAHarkins

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”