ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
You Might Also Like
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
My life coach traded me.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it