Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

Kids: Stay in school.

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.