Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

Lmao

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you