ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
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Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”