[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
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You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.