I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
You Might Also Like
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Always leave them wanting their money back.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
thank god
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”