Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
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“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
True?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful