Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
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I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Hot Panini is in big trouble
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together