ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
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I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.