Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
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Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Can Happiness buy money?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.