@BabyFishMouth5

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

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@SaxMouse

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

@panmidwest

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

@okimstillhungry

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

@brandonIee

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

@clichedout

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

@SaraESpivey

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

@paminski

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

@SADCHICANA

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

@envydatropic

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience