me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
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[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Need WebMD
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.