Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
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If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*