*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
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who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.