me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me when my alarm goes off
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.