[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
fedex guy: here’s ur package
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet