Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
my first dose meeting my second
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
tourist season
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.