Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

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[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick


Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell


fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces


I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.


[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.


San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible


Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.


if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet