Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
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Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.