Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
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Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus