ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
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HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Canada has crack?
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
When I laugh on my period
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen