@PyJamieParty

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

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@KalvinMacleod

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

@RandomRamblr

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

@Marlebean

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

@iLikeCatShirts

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

@MensHumor

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

@Jeffwni

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

@nickeldoodle

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

@neiltyson

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

@Marlebean

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

@HenpeckedHal

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.