me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.