me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Noah was an idiot.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Lube but for my dry humor.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”