Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
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I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Look at this
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.