Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
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Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
that wasn’t the question
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*