ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
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Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
So sick of all these stupid rules
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.