ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
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You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Put the is in disheveled
