[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
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Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
WHY?!
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]