ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
You Might Also Like
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.