Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
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My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?