me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
You Might Also Like
#parenting
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.