ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
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[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner