me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
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A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?