@FredTaming

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

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@Aspersioncast

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

@GuyThe_Guy

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

@RidiculousSheri

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

@wildrainbow2

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

@dmc1138

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

@noog

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

@thedad

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.