Me, flirting😏
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my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
No Google it does not
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Ovenable?
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Pizza is an emotion right?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
can’t talk my ride’s here