Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
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[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Erm…
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
☠️☠️☠️
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish