[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]