Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
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We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”