me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
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The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.