me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
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Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
*exercises sarcastically*
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
constantly working on myself.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?