@tastefactory

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

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@clichedout

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

@EricaLynnz

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

@fullofmonsense

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

@TheHyyyype

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

@BobTheSuit

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

@Michael1979

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

@Rollmaninoz

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is