Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
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I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.