@clichedout Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
@tastefactory Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
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@clichedout 
@david8hughes [inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
@EricaLynnz If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
@fullofmonsense Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
@TheHyyyype *cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
@SkinnerSteven Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
@BobTheSuit Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
@Michael1979 Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
@Rollmaninoz *Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
@AuntCunt Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers