me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
You Might Also Like
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
The biggest mystery of our time
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Me trying to walk in a dream
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.