Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
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[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
You can’t outrun your problems…
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
He wanted to make sure😂
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive