Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
DOOO EEEET
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
April 1st is the class clown of days.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave