Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Sniffing the broccoli
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*