Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
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My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
“The Perfect Relationship”
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show