ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

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Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.


You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby


No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.


The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.


The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.


I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.


Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight


I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.


Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*


“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers