@Brampersandon_

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

@PickleRudd

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

@DameSpunky

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

@goldengateblond

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

@Cheeseboy22

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

@BradBroaddus

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

@BerrymoreBlue

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

@Marlebean

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

@seandunn76

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

@oPinotNated

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers