@Brampersandon_

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

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@ieatanddrink

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

@tastefactory

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

@SamSkinnerKC

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

@ElKnuckelhombre

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

@dogfather

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

@AwedFellow

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

@DurtMcHurtt

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

@Gupton68

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

@HavocMantis

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.