ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

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Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school


Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok


Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.


The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.


“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*


How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?


[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.


Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.


Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.