ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
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Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
“Sheer Arrogance”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”