@OhNoSheTwitnt Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
@Brampersandon_ ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
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@OhNoSheTwitnt 
@PickleRudd You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
@DameSpunky No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
@goldengateblond The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
@Cheeseboy22 The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
@BradBroaddus I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
@BerrymoreBlue Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
@Marlebean I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
@seandunn76 Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
@oPinotNated “I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers