@ieatanddrink Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
@Brampersandon_ ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
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@ieatanddrink 
@tastefactory Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
@Boleyngirly What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
@SamSkinnerKC Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
@ElKnuckelhombre The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
@dogfather “Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
@AwedFellow How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
@DurtMcHurtt [getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
@Gupton68 Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
@HavocMantis Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.