I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Me: [frog emoji]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
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I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks