Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
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I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
“Wait, let me explain..”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Ah..makes sense now
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars