Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
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“Theirye’re” problem solved
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
A leaf blower, but for people.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around