Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
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society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
so i’m at the stock market right
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.