me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
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Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
At least he brought enough for everyone
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow